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McDonalds Trashes Traditional Motherhood
June 10, 2009

You can’t depend on mommy any more. Don’t panic though; McDonalds is picking up the slack. Just look at their new subliminal advertising campaign. On the front of the McDonalds hot apple pie box it says, “Mom didn’t have time today so we made you this baked apple pie.”

Mom didn’t have time? For her own kids? Is McDonalds outing your mom? This all seems somehow wrong, but I’m impressed nonetheless by the McDonalds approach. McDonalds has decided to stand in for all the mommies who don’t have time for their kids any more. Better yet, McDonalds has decided to expose kids to the realities of life.

This could turn into a refreshing trend. After McDonalds convinces everyone they can’t depend on their mother any more, the next step is to kill the Santa Claus, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy myths. Then McDonalds can continue their lets be honest campaign by killing more nonsensical fantasies like you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it. From a practical viewpoint, McDonalds can ask kids questions like, “If everyone is equal, why do they all get different grades in school?”

McDonalds should take this reality campaign one step further and turn it into a game. On the back of McDonalds apple pie boxes they should print a list with little check boxes showing the ways mommy prefers to spend her time. Kids could check off the statements that best describe their own moms. There could be 20 different lists. Kids would have to purchase tons of McDonalds apple pies to collect all the different lists. They could take the boxes to school for show-and-tell and compare their own lazy mother to their friends’ lazy mothers.

McDonalds could even publish a special page at their Internet site where kids would suggest new additions to the lists. Weekly winners would be awarded (you guessed it) a coupon good for one free McDonalds hot apple pie if ordered with a happy meal.

Let me be the first to suggest a few entries for the list. Here goes. Mommy doesn’t have time for you because:

• You are not as important as American Idol, Dancing with the Stars or mommy’s favorite soap opera.
• Mommy doesn’t function properly since her cell phone attached itself permanently to her ear.
• Mommy is too busy painting her nails and face so she can go shopping for shoes.
• Mommy never learned how to cook, and never wanted to because she’s lazy.
• Your uncle Bob monopolizes all of mommy’s time (don’t tell your dad).
• Mommy is too busy cruising bars looking for a dad, or at least a free drink.
• Mommy’s microwave oven is broken, so it’s either McDonalds or cold hot dogs.
• Mommy never wanted you in the first place. She just forgot to take her pill.

This is fun. I could go on and on but the kids can take it from here. Once they understand mommy doesn’t have time for them, they will be better prepared to accept the fact that mommy won’t pay their college tuition; they’re out on their ass at age 18; and you can’t depend on a woman. The paradigm shift alone will generate years of debate by psychologists and countless new varieties of therapy.

McDonalds will become known as everyone’s mommy and the world will turn into a happier place (with McDonalds serving up all the happy meals). Lazy mothers everywhere will finally shed the unreasonable responsibility for cooking at home and McDonalds stock holders will smile all the way to the bank. Everyone wins except of course, the kids. But who cares about the kids anyway, besides McDonalds (as long as somebody keeps paying for all those hot baked apple pies)?

There is one potential problem McDonalds overlooked. McDonalds faces a deluge of discrimination lawsuits for picking on mommy, but not daddy. I recommend strongly they print a companion box that suggests daddy doesn’t have time for you. Because in all reality, daddy doesn’t have time for the kids either. Kids should be entitled to a choice. A derogatory mommy apple pie box, or a derogatory daddy apple pie box. In some cases we might even need a derogatory granny apple pie box.

There is no shortage of reasons for the back of the daddy apple pie box either. Daddy doesn’t have time for you because:

• Daddy prefers to spend his spare time looking at pornography on the Internet.
• Daddy doesn’t function properly since his cell phone attached itself permanently to his ear.
• Daddy would rather spend quality time with his adult buddies than with you.
• Daddy never learned how to cook because real men don’t cook.
• Daddy has more fun playing video games by himself than playing anything with you.
• Your uncle Bob monopolizes all of daddy’s time (don’t tell anybody).
• Daddy is too busy cruising bars looking for hot tender chicks (sometimes called chicken tenders).
• Daddy’s microwave oven is broken, so it’s either McDonalds or leftover hot wings from the local bar.
• Daddy never wanted you in the first place. You happened along because mommy forgot to take her pill.

Looking at the current state of affairs in American society and the breakdown of the traditional American family, this whole McDonalds theme gives new depth of meaning to the old phrase, As American as apple pie.

Burger King should pay close attention to the mommy doesn’t love you any more messages from McDonalds. If Burger King management is clever, they will counter this insidious McDonalds attack on American motherhood with a campaign of their own. The Burger King hot apple pie box can say, “Mommy asked us to give you this apple pie because she loves you.” That’s right. Free apple pies to children under 12 who are loved by their mommies. Do you think anyone would show up? I do. And Burger King needs the business. Compared to McDonalds, Burger King hasn’t been doing so good lately.

As a matter of fact, when Burger King starts giving free hot apple pies to children under 12 who are loved by their mommies, I will buy a few shares of Burger King common stock to go with my Mcdonalds common stock. How could I possibly resist stock in a company that gives away free love at the drive-through?

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