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U.S. Media Loves Nappy-headed Hos
April 11, 2007

I started counting yesterday morning and by noon I had read or heard the phrase “nappy-headed hos” well over 200 times. I stopped counting after I reached 200. Its as if news writers, columnists and radio broadcasters actually enjoy repeating the phrase. I’m almost certain Al Sharpton will call for mass resignations and firings nationwide.

In the meantime, it can only be a matter of days before some rapper releases his new album, “Nappy Headed Hos.” The first video off the album will feature background dancers selected from the Rutgers female basketball team. Some of them are quite striking and we know they’re in good shape. Royalties from sales of the video should help them cope with the horrible experience Al Sharpton has made them suffer through.

Now on to more weighty matters. A headline yesterday at msnbc.com proclaimed “Number of morbidly obese growing rapidly.” This new study claims that people who are 100 pounds or more overweight are the fastest-growing group of overweight people in the United States.

Well, Wilbur come home (oink, oink); and I’ve been spending my time worried about the war in Iraq. How could I have so profoundly confused my priorities?

We have here another useless, blatantly unscientific study based on surveys. What moronic organization pays money for this type of research? The statistically intoxicated authors of this study even admit the survey respondents probably lied. These types of inconsequential studies have plagued us ever since psychologists formulated the original delusion that they are scientists.

The prevalence of overweight Americans is common knowledge. We don’t need studies to point that out. I see the "ate-too-much" trend every time I walk through a mall or put on my year-old Levis. We don't need alarm bell studies, we need credible incentives that motivate people to exercise more and eat less. People would stop broadening their waistlines if that started shrinking their wallets.

I’ve thought of a few ways to solve the over-eating problem.

1. Price all food and drinks according to the level of calories, carbohydrates and saturated fats they contain. The higher the calorie, carbo or fat gram count, the higher the price. Currently, the opposite is true. People who want to lose weight are faced with exorbitantly high prices for products that are low-cal, low-fat or low in carbohydrates. Those should be the most inexpensive products on the supermarket shelves.

2. Parking lots should be located a minimum of 300 yards away from any restaurant or fast food establishment. People who insist on calorie stuffing should be forced to exercise in order to indulge their laziness. That's right; laziness. If people weren't lazy, they'd be preparing and eating their meals at home. Society labels "eating out" a convenience but that is just a poor stab at rationalization. It's really laziness. Drive-through windows should be banned in all eating establishments.

3. Couch potatoes who watch sports on television should be forced to actually play the sport two hours for each hour they watch it on TV.

4. All businesses should be forced to remove candy and soda vending machines from their buildings. Any time an employee suffers a weight-related mishap or illness, he or she should initiate a lawsuit against the employer who made the junk food available in the workplace.

5. Psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists and other self-esteem advocates nationwide should be incarcerated and forced to consume a minimum of 8,000 calories per day for a year during which they are also denied any opportunity to exercise. Upon release they should all be surveyed to determine how they “feel about themselves.” Lets see if they still believe “fat is beautiful.”

The current epidemic of obesity is a direct result of generations of misguided psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists without the courage to tell their clients that fat is ugly, detestable and in the long run, just plain unhealthy.

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