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Happy New Year
January 1, 2007

New Year’s Day is the best federal holiday of them all.

You can sleep late. Your wife won’t bug you to get up, get dressed and take her to the Labor Day, Veteran’s Day, Memorial Day, Columbus Day or Washington’s birthday sales. Most of the stores are closed on New Year’s Day.

You are more likely to get lucky on New Year’s Eve than on any other holiday. I’m talking intimate interaction here. With alcohol flowing, inherent end-of-year euphoria, and visual senses impaired, the only two events that result in more babies nine months after the fact are Mardi Gras in New Orleans, and Oktoberfest or Fasching in Germany.

On New Year’s Eve, most people look forward to a new and better year. This conflicts sharply with birthdays when people merely feel another year older with less lifespan remaining to accomplish something significant.

New Year’s is a good day to save money. Fireworks are optional on New Year’s Eve, as opposed to Independence Day when political correctness dictates you blow your hard earned money into the sky with fireworks to keep your neighbors from thinking you’re unpatriotic or just plain cheap. On New Year’s Eve, the neighbors are either too drunk to notice fireworks or they are celebrating away from home.

On New Year’s Day you are permitted to make all sorts of promises (commonly referred to as New Year’s resolutions), that you are not legally or morally obligated to keep. You don’t even have to feel guilty about breaking your promises because you can make them again next New Year’s Day.

I propose we eliminate all current federal holidays and legislate the first day of every month as New Month Day. That would give us 12 federal holidays instead of 10, and the holidays would be equally spaced throughout the year. People could make new promises and get a fresh start every month. Best of all, people could get lucky (you know what I’m talking about) twelve times per year instead of once.

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