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“Premium” Holiday Thoughts
December 8, 2006

I’ve noticed lately that more and more of the products I buy are labeled with a “Premium” warning. One would naturally assume that the mere existence of a “premium” version of any product implies it is superior to the “normal” or “regular” version of that same product.

Not so. The premium cotton Hanes underwear I bought a few weeks ago feels identical to the regular Hanes underwear I've worn for years. The premium Oscar Meyer beef franks  taste much saltier than the regular Oscar Meyer beef franks that I’m used to. My new premium cotton Hanes sweat suit is not any warmer than my previous non-premium Hanes sweats.

This year’s premium Butterball turkey for Thanksgiving was not only tougher than any Butterball turkeys we’ve had before, but it didn’t taste much like turkey either. We roasted it the same way, in the same oven at the same temperature as last year. Maybe the roasting instructions are supposed to be different for a “premium” turkey.

My SueBee Clover Spun Honey is premium. The Cornish game hens I bought at the supermarket today turned out to be premium. I’ve been thinking for months that something was wrong with the honey and now I’m almost afraid to roast up the Cornish hens. No wonder the ice cream in my freezer tasted funny. It’s premium.

I know where this all started. It was the gas. First we had unleaded and then came premium unleaded. Naturally, the premium version of anything always costs more than the non-premium. I suppose it was the food companies that discovered they could justify a price increase on anything just by printing the word “premium” on it. I can’t explain the rationale that led to the decrease in quality of the “premium” products.

The “premium” fraud is not confined to just food and cotton goods. In the supermarket today I passed by a new display of “premium” condoms and just shook my head. I feel sorry for all those people who had to use non-premium condoms before the premiums were available. Now I’m waiting for the disease and pregnancy statistics comparing premium to non-premium condoms.

My daughter just pointed out that we use Premium HP photo paper. That gives rise to an interesting question. How can we get premium results with HP premium photo paper if we’re not using premium ink cartridges? HP, you’re letting us down. We need premium ink. HP is creative though; they have already gone beyond “premium” photo paper all the way to “premium plus” photo paper. Could this signal the beginning of a new “premium plus” era?

Since experience has now taught me that “premium” goods are inferior to the “regular” versions, it seems only logical to give up on premium and go back to regular. Unfortunately I can’t find regular versions of premium products any more. They have been removed from the shelves.

I conclude with a desperate plea to Hershey’s. Please, please do not come out with a “premium” version of your Pot of Gold Almond Caramel Clusters. I like the “Fine” version just fine.

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