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2008
February – 10
March – 9
11
2007
April – 1
5
10
11
14
19
24
26
May – 2
January – 1
2
5
8
13
15
22
30
February – 7
8
12
2006
December – 1
2
3
4
5
8
9
10
11
13
15
17
19
24
25
27
November – 19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
Hawking Afterthought
December 1, 2006
Albert Einstein scolded me in a dream last
night for taking liberties with Stephen Hawking’s fantasies.
Upon awakening, I set about to determine how I could
mitigate my allegedly insensitive commentary about Stephen.
After considerable thought, I concluded the idea of Hawking
getting high wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I even devised
a way to earn money for the endeavor. We must however,
convince Hawking to purchase his shuttle ticket from NASA
because he will be long gone before any private enterprise
develops the capability to fulfill his space-cadet dream.
With Stephen’s permission, we must arrange with a toymaker
to design and manufacture a Stephen Hawking doll complete
with wheelchair and Mr. Hawking’s synthesized voice. There
will be a stationary model and a remote-controlled motorized
version.
The stationary model, designed for older children, will have
mathematical problems printed all over it. Hawking’s
prerecorded voice tracks will explain all manner of
singularities, event horizons, mass constancies and tips on
how to succeed in marriage.
The remote-controlled motorized version will be sold to
adults wishing to punish young children who misbehave. The
motorized wheelchair (controlled by a parent or a malicious
older child) will chase the target child while emitting
sparks and shouting voice-synthesized threats at the
misbehaving brat.
We can start with “Your parents will throw you in a black
hole where you will burn up and be spewed out ... well,
nobody really knows where, but not here. Do you want to
disappear in a ball of flame? Bad child, bad child.”
If the workmanship is good (which means it can’t be made in
China), we could easily sell hundreds of thousands of these
dolls. Sales on foreign language versions would go through
the roof.
There would be so much profit from sales we could get
Stephen high and also fund a
research and development project to design the second
generation Stephen Hawking doll. This one will still frighten
young children, but it will also include the capability to shoot
them with a singularity that instantaneously sinks to
the center of their gravity and sucks them in until they
disappear completely.
Stephen, you are an inspiration to us all.
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