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Hawking Wants To Get High
November 30, 2006

Remember Stephen Hawking? Don’t be ashamed if his name doesn’t ring a bell. He is the British author of the book, A Brief History of Time.

Hawking, who must suddenly have decided he needs a little publicity (maybe he’s publishing another book) is confined to a wheel-chair and speaks through a voice synthesizer. Now do you remember him?

In any event, Hawking announced today, “Sooner or later disasters such as an asteroid collision or a nuclear war could wipe us all out.” (Obviously he doesn’t think at the speed of light because this is ancient matter). He suggested space travel and planet colonization as a viable solution to the possible eradication of the human species. Hawking declined to comment on George W. Bush, our current world disaster.

Stephen dismissed the notion of a warp drive for space travel because current scientific guesses (Hawking calls them theories) hold that travel at speeds faster than light are impossible to achieve. He suggested the star drive of choice would be a matter/antimatter annihilation engine that might come close to the speed of light.

Stephen, if you’re watching that much Star Trek, you should have learned that the matter/antimatter energy is supposed to be channeled through dilithium crystals to achieve warp and hyper-warp speeds. Didn’t they teach you anything in Star Trek 101?

As reported by Reuters, Hawking desires to try space travel for himself. After reading the Reuters press release, many of us believe he is already there. What would it hurt though to start a charitable fund drive for his trip? He won’t be able to afford the tickets by himself; he has kids to support.

Remember what they teach us about goals, Stephen? Goals should be reasonable and achievable. I don’t believe you’ll be orbiting the Earth in a mechanical vehicle any time soon. Even Lance Bass of NSync couldn’t pay his way into space and he was rich and healthy, notwithstanding a moderate case of limp wrist.

We love you Stephen, but instead of wasting all that money launching you into space, would you mind if we just use it to feed some hungry children? Besides, do you really expect modern science to get you high when it can’t even devise a cure to free you of that sub-light speed wheelchair?

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