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Environmentalist Call to Action
November 28, 2006

It’s the time of year when leaves morph into their crimson, orange, yellow and gold holiday displays to herald their impending death.

By the end of November, almost all of the leaves have detached from their tentative source of nutrition and consummated a final act of mischief. Unfortunately, this unprovoked and wanton mischief has become intolerably inconvenient.

I am tired of leaves fouling my rain gutters, cluttering my deck, embedding themselves in my car’s windshield wipers, covering the air intake grills on my heating units, and virtually covering my driveway and most of my property. The beautiful, pale blue Fall crocus flowers so painstakingly and patiently planted by my daughter never stood a chance against this vicious onslaught of leaves.

We spent three hours of our precious vacation time today raking, blowing and bagging leaves. Then (as we watched), another invading wave of maniacal leaves flew in to re-clutter the driveway we had just cleared. We have been clearing leaves for weeks. My daughter is beginning to have dreams of being buried alive under a massive pile of wet and molding leaves.

It’s time to solve this problem. Over the next six month period, every tree on this property dies. Yes, I said, “dies.” I have better things to do with my time than raking leaves and toiling for hours upon hours to undo their mischievous acts. And they will die painfully. Once decapitated above the ground, I will drill holes in their trunks, fill the holes with diesel and burn them to death. But before I burn them, I may just sever all their roots for good measure.

This is where you, the environmentalists come in. I can be environmentally responsible (and even reasonable) about the impending tree genocide on my property. Any of you who are not actually the hypocrites I believe, have 60 days to contact me with the details of how you plan to relocate the 35 or so trees on my property to a safe refuge. I have pines, oaks, a magnolia tree or two, a few holly trees and assorted scrub trees of indeterminate type (at least to me). Many of them are over 80 feet tall.

You can either relocate them or sign a perpetual contract to rake off all the leaves on my property every weekend of November and December. We will provide refreshments. Does that sound fair to you? It certainly sounds fair to us. Either you really care about trees or your incessant rhetoric is little more than annoying noise in the environment.

In any event, should you fail to come through on this request, the death of 35 trees will be on your conscience, not mine.

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