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Another Spook Bites the Dust
November 24, 2006

Amidst a speculative frenzy destined to fuel at least one based-on-a-true-story novel and another ho-hum spy movie, Alexander Litvinenko departed for spook heaven or hell (your choice) on Thursday.

The ex-KGB agent died in a London hospital after being (allegedly) poisoned. Medical authorities and Scotland Yard point to Polonium-210 as the element used to snuff the spy. Polonium-210 happens to be one of the earth’s rarest elements. Authorities failed to speculate why an assassin would waste one of earth’s rarest commodities for a snuff job when aconite would have done the job just as well for less cost.

This wholly insignificant incident will probably inspire years of pointless investigations and conspiracy theories to rival even the stories surrounding Robert Kennedy’s assassination. In similar fashion, the Litvinenko frenzy will eventually fade just as the Kennedy frenzy did in a characteristic American cloud of apathy.

If only we could drop the entire matter now to avoid wasted media space, costly investigations and undue stress on Vladimir Putin, now implicated in the assassination. There is no telling what Putin might do if pressure drives him over the edge. We must always remember Putin has weapons of mass destruction.

Lets face it; Litvinenko was a spy. Premature termination is an inherent risk of the trade. Even he would naturally expect us to understand and follow the appropriate rules. The rules stipulate we disavow all knowledge of his mission or his existence. Doesn’t anyone remember the James Bond movies or Mission Impossible?

Ironically, Scotland Yard failed to consider a more obvious and probable cause of death. Hours before he fell ill and eventually died, Litvinenko ate in Piccadilly’s Itsu Sushi Restaurant. Sushi is a culinary abomination that stunted the growth of an entire national population. The Itsu Restaurant  sushi was probably bad, or even laced (intentionally or accidentally) with Polonium-210.

If this explanation seems somewhat implausible, I challenge you to find even one sushi bar in London that screens its raw fish for Polonium-210 contamination (or any other contamination for that matter). This time around, please spare me the movie.

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