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Movies Are Supposed To Be Fun
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Fits the Bill
June 30, 2009
I haven’t gone to a movie theater since . . . I can’t even
remember. I think the last movie I watched in a real theater
was Revenge of the Sith, in 2005.
I don’t
have an issue with the quality of movies today, it’s all
about personal budgets. Movies in theaters are expensive.
Consider the cost of gas; wear-and-tear on the car;
outrageous ticket prices combined with outrageous popcorn
and drink prices; medical costs after catching swine flu
from someone in the theater; the screaming little shit in
row 3; the cell-phone text addict in row 14; and the
nose-dead female in row 24 who believes she should introduce
the whole world to the odor of cheap perfume.
But
there I was anyway, standing in line at the theater waiting
to watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. What
was I doing in a movie theater? Circumstances beyond my
control . . . the tickets were a birthday present from
Sondra.
Not that I wasn’t looking forward to the
second Transformers movie. After all, how many
chances does anyone get to watch Megan Fox overflowing her
clothes in slow motion on the big screen? Who cares if she
can act? Optimus Prime is a better actor than Megan Fox, but
let’s avoid the old “apples to oranges” comparison. Oh,
sorry. I know the average critic will find my reference to
“apples and oranges,” and Megan Fox in the same paragraph as
being vulgar - typical for a critic.
Many nationally
known movie critics came out openly against this movie. They
said it was too loud, too vulgar, too fast, too long, too
suggestive, too socially un-redeeming and basically
pointless.
Critics. Do we really need these idiots?
Here is a movie that grossed something like 387 million
dollars worldwide in 5 days, breaking the all-time record
for a movie opening and proving that most critics don’t know
their ass from a matrix? We should ignore these
self-proclaimed movie critics.
This movie was great.
Great on a level that eludes most movie critics who fail to
understand the fundamental reason people watch movies in the
first place - to have fun. This movie was all about fun.
Kids had fun watching the transformers. Military enthusiasts
had fun watching the soldiers with advanced weaponry. Male
viewers had fun watching Megan Fox oozing what looked like
Vaseline from her lips. Nerds had fun watching the special
effects including a female robot they’ll all be fantasizing
about for the next six months. Female viewers had fun
watching Shia LaBeouf. NASCAR enthusiasts had fun watching
the transformer cars. I could go on and on.
The only
people who didn’t think the movie was fun are the critics
and old, right-wing conservative Republicans who believe we
should banish Transformers from Earth; Megan Fox should be
banned from all public media for being too provocative;
mothers shouldn’t talk or behave like the one in the movie;
God will defeat the Decepticons without any human help; and
our children should be reading bibles, not Transformer
comics. I think we need fewer critics, fewer right-wing
conservative Republicans, and more movies like this one.
Even though movies-for-two at the theater can easily run
$40 for a one-time shot compared to unlimited viewing of a
DVD in the comfort of your living room for $16.95, I can’t
wait for the third Transformers movie to be
released. With any luck I’ll get to see that one in a
theater too. Screw the critics. It’s one thing to be
nominated for an Academy Award (the critics are really into
that); but quite another to garner sincere appreciation from
theater-goers. At the end of Transformers: Revenge of
the Fallen, the crowd in the theater erupted with
cheers and applause. I haven’t heard applause like that in a
movie theater since aliens blew up the White House in
Independence Day.
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Michael Jackson Moonwalks Out
June 26, 2009
On June 25, 2009, Michael Jackson took his final roller
coaster ride into Neverland. He leaves behind a truly
awesome musical legacy and scores of mysteries about his
life. Did he or didn’t he? The world seems obsessed with
knowing.
Did Michael really pop little boys? Did
Michael even pop Lisa Marie? He was after all, the purported
King of Pop. Did he suffer from skin ailments and
breathing problems, or did he just want to be white? Who or
what were “Hee-Hee” and “Who-Who,” and why did he wear the
glove? What kind of pain constantly caused him to begin
screaming in the middle of a song? Why did he always grab
his genitals on stage? Is that where the pain was? Who was
the mother of his third child? Did he really convert to
Islam?
Questions, questions and more questions. Was
Michael that messed up in the head or was it all for
publicity? Personally, I don’t care. Let future generations
debate whether or not the U.S. postal service should use the
“old” or the “young” picture of Michael Jackson on a postage
stamp. Here is how I remember Michael.
I remember
being pretty full of myself when I learned how to imitate
Michael’s moonwalk. I remember incredible music videos like
Billie Jean, Beat It, Thriller
and Smooth Criminal. Those weren’t the only good
ones, just the ones that come to mind first. I remember
watching We Are The World over and over just to see
the short Michael Jackson segment. I remember The Wiz,
and I remember all the times I convinced new friends to
watch it. I remember Michael giving me the song You Are
Not Alone, to call my all-time favorite.
I
remember wishing I could dance like Michael. I remember
being near death in a hospital on August 31, 1987, my only
thoughts being how much I would miss my wife and children .
. . and my disappointment that I might not be around to
watch the national television premier of Bad.
I remember Michael proving he was not really Janet in
disguise when they both appeared on stage after the rumors
circulated. I remember sensing his child-like innocence
always there just below the surface, even after he grew up.
I remember crazy costumes; controversial family members; and
his brilliantly captivating, live on-stage performance at
the 25th Motown Anniversary show. Damn, he was good.
I remember being one of the first in line whenever a new
Michael Jackson music video came out. Most of all though, I
remember how energized I felt every single time I listened
to Michael sing or watched him in one of his music videos.
Michael could get people pumped up and happy for hours, just
from watching him or listening to one of his songs. Michael
was naturally and beautifully talented and all controversial
circumstances and events aside, Michael really was “The King
of Pop” for most of my life.
A new contender will
certainly attempt to claim the title of “King” in the music
world, but the newcomer will never be the King of “Pop.”
That honor is locked up forever by Michael Jackson. He
earned it.
We are the world . . . and the world will
miss Michael Jackson . . . I know I will.
Thanks
Michael, for all the good times (and teaching me how to
moonwalk).
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McDonalds Trashes Traditional Motherhood
June 10, 2009
You can’t depend on mommy any more. Don’t panic though;
McDonalds is picking up the slack. Just look at their new
subliminal advertising campaign. On
the front of the McDonalds hot apple pie box it says, “Mom didn’t have time today
so we made you this baked apple pie.”
Mom didn’t have
time? For her own kids? Is McDonalds outing your mom? This all seems somehow wrong, but
I’m impressed nonetheless by the McDonalds approach.
McDonalds has decided to stand in for all the mommies who
don’t have time for their kids any more. Better yet, McDonalds has
decided to expose kids to the realities of life.
This
could turn into a refreshing trend. After McDonalds
convinces everyone they can’t depend on their mother any
more, the next step is to kill the Santa Claus, Easter Bunny
and Tooth Fairy myths. Then McDonalds can continue
their lets be honest campaign by killing more
nonsensical fantasies like you can accomplish anything
if you put your mind to it. From a practical viewpoint,
McDonalds can ask kids questions like, “If everyone is
equal, why do they all get different grades in school?”
McDonalds should
take this reality campaign one step further and
turn it into a game. On the back of McDonalds apple pie
boxes they should print a list with little check boxes
showing the ways mommy prefers to spend her time. Kids could
check off the statements that best describe their own moms. There
could be 20 different lists. Kids would have to purchase
tons of McDonalds apple pies to collect all the different
lists. They could take the boxes to school for show-and-tell
and compare their own lazy mother to their friends’ lazy
mothers.
McDonalds could even publish a special page
at their Internet site where kids would suggest new additions
to the lists. Weekly winners would be awarded (you guessed it)
a coupon good for one free McDonalds hot apple pie if
ordered with a happy meal.
Let me be the first to
suggest a few entries for the list. Here goes. Mommy doesn’t
have time for you because:
- You are not as important as American Idol,
Dancing with the Stars or mommy’s favorite soap
opera.
- Mommy doesn’t function properly since her cell phone
attached itself permanently to her ear.
- Mommy is too busy painting her nails and face so she
can go shopping for shoes.
- Mommy never learned how to cook, and never wanted to
because she’s lazy.
- Your uncle Bob monopolizes all of mommy’s time (don’t
tell your dad).
- Mommy is too busy cruising bars looking for a dad, or
at least a free drink.
- Mommy’s microwave oven is broken, so it’s either
McDonalds or cold hot dogs.
- Mommy never wanted you in the first place. She just
forgot to take her pill.
This is fun. I could go on and on but the kids can take it
from here. Once they understand mommy doesn’t have time for
them, they will be better prepared to accept the fact that
mommy won’t pay their college tuition; they’re out on their
ass at age 18; and you can’t depend on a woman. The paradigm
shift alone will generate years of debate by psychologists
and countless new varieties of therapy.
McDonalds
will become known as everyone’s mommy and the world will
turn into a happier place (with McDonalds serving up all the
happy meals). Lazy mothers everywhere will finally shed the
unreasonable responsibility for cooking at home and
McDonalds stock holders will smile all the way to the bank.
Everyone wins except of course, the kids. But who cares
about the kids anyway, besides McDonalds (as long as
somebody keeps paying for all those hot baked apple pies)?
There is one potential problem McDonalds overlooked.
McDonalds faces a deluge of discrimination lawsuits for
picking on mommy, but not daddy. I recommend strongly they
print a companion box that suggests daddy doesn’t have
time for you. Because in all reality, daddy doesn’t
have time for the kids either. Kids should be entitled to a
choice. A derogatory mommy apple pie box, or a
derogatory daddy apple pie box. In some cases
we might even need a derogatory granny apple
pie box.
There is no shortage of reasons for the back
of the daddy apple pie box either. Daddy doesn’t have
time for you because:
- Daddy prefers to spend his spare time looking at
pornography on the Internet.
- Daddy doesn’t function properly since his cell phone
attached itself permanently to his ear.
- Daddy would rather spend quality time with his adult
buddies than with you.
- Daddy never learned how to cook because real
men don’t cook.
- Daddy has more fun playing video games by himself than playing
anything with you.
- Your uncle Bob monopolizes all of daddy’s time (don’t
tell anybody).
- Daddy is too busy cruising bars looking for hot tender
chicks (sometimes called chicken tenders).
- Daddy’s microwave oven is broken, so it’s either
McDonalds or leftover hot wings from the local bar.
- Daddy never wanted you in the first place. You
happened along because mommy forgot to take her pill.
Looking at the current state of affairs in American society
and the breakdown of the traditional American family, this
whole McDonalds theme gives new depth of meaning to the old
phrase, As American as apple pie.
Burger
King should pay close attention to the mommy doesn’t
love you any more messages from McDonalds. If Burger
King management is clever, they will counter this insidious
McDonalds attack on American motherhood with a campaign of
their own. The Burger King hot apple pie box can say, “Mommy
asked us to give you this apple pie because she loves you.”
That’s right. Free apple pies to children under 12 who are
loved by their mommies. Do you think anyone would show up? I
do. And Burger King needs the business. Compared to
McDonalds, Burger King hasn’t been doing so good lately.
As a matter of fact, when Burger King starts giving free hot
apple pies to children under 12 who are loved by their
mommies, I will buy a few shares of Burger King common stock to go with
my Mcdonalds common stock. How could I possibly resist stock
in a company that gives away free love at the drive-through?
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ATTENTION Walmart Executives
June 7, 2009
For years I wondered why I succumb to impulse buying at
Harris Teeter. Even when I go there with a very short
shopping list of gourmet items I can’t find anywhere else, I
end up coming out with 20 or 30 items that weren’t on my
list. I can’t afford to shop at Harris Teeter like that.
Their prices are so incredibly high I never understood how
they stay in business at all. But they do.
I do my
best to stay away from Harris Teeter, knowing in advance
what will happen. Where else though, can I possibly find
decent rhubarb, fresh-caught Alaska salmon or shallots?
Common sense (and my wallet) tells me I should buy most of
my groceries at Walmart where they cost a lot less.
Why Walmart? Well, Walmart is (or was) sort of my . . .
Mecca. They got it right with the “everything in one place”
concept. Why shop at three or four different stores when
almost everything I need is at Walmart for less money? Hi.
My name is Leon. I am a Walmartaholic. But for the last few
years the intoxication has been wearing thin.
Why?
Because every time I go into any Walmart, I walk out of the
store incredibly agitated. Ten minutes into a Walmart visit
I can’t wait to get out of there. It isn’t the long checkout
lines because I’m already fuming before I ever reach the
checkout counter. It isn’t the bad lighting because lighting
is terrible almost everywhere but I’m never cranky anywhere
else; just in Walmart.
Imagine becoming intensely
angry and not knowing why. It happens to women all the time
but I can explain that. When a woman can’t figure out why
she’s angry or unhappy it’s either 28 days since the last
time that happened; she’s discovered her husband is spending
money for pornography on the Internet; or she’s just not
getting enough hugs.
It is different for a man. A man
gets out of sorts from insufficient sex, high gas prices or
a woman who nags him incessantly. But at least a man knows
the cause of his agitation. A man who can’t figure out why
he’s angry is mired in a dangerous mental predicament.
Because a man is supposed to know. A man is supposed to be
in control.
Then came the day, about six months ago I
stormed out of a Walmart feeling like I should run over
somebody in the parking lot; or at least one of their
shopping carts. I had abandoned my empty shopping cart in
the middle of the produce section. If the old fart at the
entrance had said “have a nice day” to me on the way out I
would probably have cussed him out. Even then, I couldn’t
figure out what set me off.
Driving home from Walmart
and thinking, “screw Walmart; I’m going to Harris Teeter,”
the lights suddenly and finally came on. The reason someone
will sooner or later go postal in a Walmart and take out a
number of innocent customers, a checkout clerk, the old fart
at the entrance or possibly all of them at once is your
god-damned, squeaky; bumpy; drag to the right; drag to the
left; rattling and vibrating; lock up and stop dead in the
middle of the aisle; hard to push, wobbly, piece of crap
shopping carts.
These unwieldy, crippled carts make
shopping at Walmart a wholly frustrating experience. It
isn’t just the occasional cart. Every Walmart shopping cart
I’ve used for two or three years suffered some type of
malady or handicap that made it difficult or in some cases
impossible to push around. It had been staring me in the
face for years and I hadn’t noticed.
Nobody is taking
care of the carts at Walmart. That causes a significant
drain on Walmart’s bottom line. Because I don’t go to
Walmart to work out. I go to Walmart to shop (and check out
the chicks). But the cart that should contribute to a
pleasant shopping experience forces me to work out. I refuse
to work out in a Walmart. I’ll just buy my roasted chicken
for supper and finish my shopping at Harris Teeter. Can you
believe it? Forced to go bankrupt at Harris Teeter by a
Walmart handicapped shopping cart.
20 minutes later
at Harris Teeter I paid special attention to the cart that
greeted me at the entrance. I was vindicated. This sleek and
sexy, dark-colored shopping cart rolled so smoothly into the
store I barely had to push it. I couldn’t believe it. I went
back and tested another cart at random. It was just as good
as the first cart. Mind you, these are not new shopping
carts but somebody is obviously treating them with tender
loving care. A shopper doesn’t become exhausted pushing them
around or contract carpal-tunnel syndrome from constantly
forcing them to roll in a straight line.
Unlike a
Walmart cart, you can fill a Harris Teeter cart all the way
to the top (or even more) and it just glides along as
smoothly as it did when empty. Now I know why I always see
so many half-full abandoned shopping carts littering the
aisles at Walmart. It's because the weight caused them to
lock up in place and the shoppers pushing them just got mad
and left. Imagine how someone feels when their car breaks
down in the middle of an intersection. No difference.
I was reminded of every single time I’ve tried three or
four carts at Walmart only to “settle” on one that at least
rolled straight even if it took three or four horsepower to
push and sounded like a car with a flat tire driving on a
rim. My daughter admits to being embarrassed in Walmart most
of the time because our shopping cart makes so much noise.
Walmart; if you don’t think a sleazy, obstinate shopping
cart can piss off a customer and curtail his or her impulse
buys, you’d better hire a good psychologist to explain it to
you. Management is supposed to know that “impulse” buying
probably adds more to your bottom line than the shopping
list buying. Right now, all my impulse buying is reserved
for Harris Teeter and Trader Joe’s where the shopping carts
care enough to make me happy while I shop.
I’m not
just theorizing here. For the past five months, my daughter
and I (avid people watchers) have observed people intently
wherever we shop. There is no doubt that the happiest, most
impulse-buying customers populate the stores with the best
shopping carts. If Harris Teeter had Walmart shopping carts,
Harris Teeter would have folded long ago.
Walmart
faces any number of potential disasters caused by cart rage.
Customers “settle” for things that aren’t as good or as much
as they want because in all reality they don’t have much
choice. But they don’t like it and eventually one or more of
them is bound to go over the edge. That someone might be a
person who can’t control his or her temper. Walmart has the
highest potential risk because Walmart causes more cart rage
than any other store I know of.
So wake up Walmart
executives. Spend some money on cart maintenance and quality
assurance. The money you invest in your carts will be
returned many times over to your bottom line by happy
customers who desire to shop instead of working out. If you
don’t address this problem soon, the first sign of impending
disaster will be the dead carts in your parking lot that
were run over by irate customers. When that happens, you had
better start stocking up on body armor for your employees.
TOP
Tammy Bruce – Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!
June 1, 2009
This past weekend during my weekly pilgrimage to Walmart,
I was treated to a barrage of bitching on the car radio by a
talk show hostess seemingly on the verge of a nervous
breakdown because president Obama flew to New York for a
"date night."
This obviously hysterical woman claimed
it was somehow inappropriate for Obama to spend taxpayer
money attending a show in New York, while at the same time
U.S. automobile companies are filing for bankruptcy. I know.
To any rational person this is quite a stretch. She whined
on and on, suggesting Obama should have attended a show in
Washington D.C., or not have attended a show at all.
I was reminded of a fried-brain alcoholic who rambles on
endlessly about some totally inconsequential matter while
nobody really listens. I
waited patiently for a commercial break so I could discover
who this miserably unhappy woman might be. It turned out to
be Tammy Bruce. Tammy Bruce? Who the hell is Tammy Bruce? I
never heard of Tammy Bruce.
Listening to Bruce for
several minutes, I could only imagine her peeping through a hole in the White House
bathroom wall to see how many sheets of toilet paper Obama uses
after a number two. Following Bruce’s logic, the president
should be limited to four sheets of toilet paper per shit
until the U.S. auto industry recovers. Which means of course
the 4-sheet limit for shit might last forever.
I had
arrived at Walmart. Enough Bruce. Hopefully,
when I got back to the car something more interesting than
Bruce might be on; like the annual Public Radio fund drive
or a Carbonite commercial. When I
got back to the car though; Bruce was still ranting and
raving, this time about some woman named Susan Boyle. Susan Boyle? Who the hell is Susan
Boyle? I never heard of Susan Boyle.
I was starting
to feel uncomfortably out of touch with current events.
According to Bruce, Susan Boyle is an old, ugly woman with
an above average voice who lost a talent contest in England
that very evening. Upset with the contest outcome, Bruce
directed several insults in general at the
British people. I thought we were only allowed to do that to
the French. Michael Savage is carrying the "insult the
British" baton right now.
Maybe the British Prime Minister should add
Bruce's name to England's "hate promoter" list, just under the
name of Michael Savage. Anyway, Bruce was so incensed over
the contest winners that she even made derogatory comments
about one of the female judges who (according to Bruce)
looked like she had Botox injected lips.
The Botox
comments are naturally attributable to feminine (or should I
say feminist) jealousy. I'm sure Bruce never had any
of her personal photographs enhanced by Photoshop for a book
cover or her Internet site. Sure. What a sterling
example of an avowed feminist hanging in there with her
female sisterhood (unless one of them looks more attractive).
From a psychological standpoint,
Bruce has serious mental issues. She took me on a strange
journey from a "date night" in New York to an
inconsequential talent contest in England; with a
voyeuristic layover in Obama’s bathroom. I felt a sudden
compulsion to warn everyone I know about Tammy Bruce. Time
is precious, and I cringe at the prospect of my readers
wasting that precious time listening to Bruce’s distorted
perceptions of life and politics.
When I got home I searched for Bruce at Wikipedia. The
short article about her was sufficient to paint a sad
portrait of a confused, tortured feminist who can't make up
her mind and couldn’t even
keep her job with the California chapter of the National
Organization for Women (NOW). Wow, a shunned woman. I
suppose that is almost like a scorned woman and we all know
the old saying about scorned women . . .
I dislike Tammy Bruce.
She is a feminist. Strike one. She can’t decide whether she
is a Democrat or a Republican. Having once declared herself
a “lifelong Democrat,” she now donates money to Republicans.
That makes her a liar. Strike two. She is over 40 and
allegedly gay. A conservative Republican would declare that
strike three. I just add it as a point to consider. But the
fact that she would donate money to Republicans who
essentially believe she is mentally defective because of her
sexual orientation means she is stupid. Strike three.
So what about Susan Boyle? Apparently Susan suffered an
emotional breakdown yesterday serious enough to land her in
a clinic. I figure she couldn't take the pressure of Bruce
calling her old and ugly. Who wants to hear
something like that about themselves on the radio? Bruce
even assured radio listeners that Boyle would have a
successful career even
though she lost the contest. Tammy is obviously out of touch with reality.
She is a radio show commentator, not an expert on the
entertainment business.
In my opinion, the
judging in the British talent contest was absolutely fair. To be
sure, Boyle has an above average singing voice but she was no match
for the winning act; a group of extraordinarily gifted
high-energy dancers/steppers named Diversity. They won and they deserved
to win. No, I’m not making that up; I watched all of their
contest
performances on YouTube. If Bruce thinks Boyle is so
fantastic, she should underwrite an album of Boyle's songs.
The net profit from album sales probably wouldn't cover a
small cup of
latte at Starbucks.
Get real, Tammy. Lots of women can sing. The mere fact that
someone you think is fat and ugly happens to have a decent
voice is no reason to give her extra consideration
in a talent contest. Had I heard Boyle
singing without ever having seen her, I don’t think I’d be
pulling out my wallet for an album of her songs. Her
physical appearance doesn't matter one way or another. This
is about "voice" and "talent," not looks. You, Tammy Bruce,
made it an issue of appearance.
For the record, I don't
believe Susan Boyle is either ugly or fat. I reserve
those characterizations for Rush Limbaugh. No woman is ugly.
Nature never figured out how to create a woman that way.
Ugly is only in the mind of the beholder.
Obama can spend all the money he wants
while the auto industry fails. Obama isn’t using taxpayer
money for his expenses anyway. He’s just having the money
printed up as he needs it. Obama didn’t cause the failure of
the U.S. auto industry any more than he can prevent it. Why
should he give up his "date nights" to support union
excesses, inferior engineering, lack of executive vision and
greed? At least he's still dating his wife. But you wouldn't
know anything about a man loyal to his wife, would you
Tammy?
Our
country is facing major issues and challenges. Bruce, in the guise of a
political commentator chooses to bitch instead about some
stupid talent contest in England. As I hinted before; don’t
waste your precious time tuning in to Bruce, and don’t waste
precious Internet bandwidth downloading her podcasts if she
ever gets them going.
If you are a Democrat drawn
towards mediocrity who agrees or sympathizes with Bruce, send her a
few spare sheets of your toilet paper. That way she can pretend
people actually care and she can wipe her behind (or her
mouth) with donated toilet paper that wasn’t procured with
taxpayer money she thinks would be better spent on the
failing U.S. auto industry. Maybe the executives at talk
radio should go even further to accommodate Bruce's
political views by cancelling her show and using the money
they save to promote a "Buy American Cars" advertising
campaign. That would probably make Bruce serenely happy and
would certainly brighten my day.
TOP
11/7/08 – The New
Republican Game – “Finger The Scapegoat” 10/28/08 – Doctor Leon
Endorses John McCain for President 9/12/08 – Democratic
Party Prepares for Obama Crucifixion 8/13/08 – Solutions for
America’s Challenges 8/11/08 – Owen Frager Takes a Stab at Blackmail 8/10/08 – Barack Hussein Obama vs. John McCain vs. Paris (Hot)
Hilton
3/11/08 – Democrat Game
Rules May Change
3/9/08 – Off the Record
2/10/08 – Republican
Party Murdered by Rush Limbaugh & Sean Hannity
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